Orangetober

Dear Daddy,

I know you were quite disappointed by the World Series outcome. I do admire your willingness to take up such an unpopular opinion in an area that seems quite overrun with Giants fans.

Daniel and Elisha did their best to capture your general unimpressed mood today as well. Interestingly this meloncholy mood coincided with Mom trying to take photos. I can only guess they too were overcome with disappointment that the Giants won. 

I couldn't help but notice recently that although you are always right about everything, it does seem like quite the right month for one to contract orange tinted fever from all the orange decor enveloping the city and even apt to entitle the month itself Orangetober.

That is the official name of this month, right?

Let me try to prove my point with key examples from our frequent visits to the nearby pumpkin patch and farm:

It's kind of hard to miss the huge orange balls they had out for slobbering, er, for display only. It's like someone knew the outcome of the games before they happened.

Don't worry though, I was sure to wear burnt orange so as to not give anyone the impression I was caving to the peer pressure surrounding me.

We even noticed the farmer man, that's his official title according to Daniel, drove an orange pickup (see above far left hand corner). Talk about flaunting your team colors! Sheesh!

Anyhow, maybe we can cheer your dampened spirits with our exciting costumes tomorrow. Don't worry, we'll avoid anything orange themed.

Thoughtfully,

Joshua

P.S. My "I'm not too excited the Giants won either" face is pretty solid. Don't you agree?!

So Old-Fashioned

Dear Dada,

Today Daniel and I tried and tried to help Mom get with the times. She can be so reticent to acclimate to proper use of technology.

It's downright embarrassing at times. Today at the park she made a phone call on her phone.

I know.

Who does that?

At home Daniel and I attempted to train her in the proper phone etiquette and usage so as to avoid further debacles. We put together a quick tutorial below:

Cellphones are useful for:

1. Chewing (Really the question is "What isn't a good object to chew?" That was a rhetorical question).

2. Generating amusing sounds and songs. (Particularly fun renditions can be generated by using dying batteries).

3. Reading the Bible. (Although I do prefer real books personally. The sound of pages tearing is so much more pleasing than phone screens scratching on a tabletop).

4. Checking e-mail. (A real time saver when you get as much spam fan mail as we do).

5. Taking selfies. 

Sincerely,

Joshua

Sophisticated Humor

Dear Dada,

Daniel and I, as you know, are real budding humorists.

We really strive to work together to create fresh, intellectual and deeply profound jokes. We almost have a complete routine worked through and are gearing up to record our first DVD release. We're thinking it could be called "Double Trouble" or something along those lines.

Most of our genius inspiration takes place in the car.

In terms of type of humor I should clarify what category we envision ourselves falling into.

We scoff at juvenile forms of entertainment such as the classic "blonde" jokes. Although at the pumpkin patch last week we did enjoy the special corn maze for blondes - it only had one stalk.

Why did the chicken cross the street? Too blasé. But those turkeys that cross our street regularly? Do you know why they crossed the road? To prove they weren't chicken.

Puns? Truly not that punny.

Animal jokes? We're not sure. I do know that I'm planning on dressing up as a lion in a couple weeks because they are so religious. They prey constantly.

Here's an excerpt from our FAR more sophisticated routine:

1. Throw the baby food cap on the ground repeatedly.


2. Pretend to eat our toes.



 Now THAT'S hilarious!

Love,
Joshua-a-a-a

Skillz

Dear Pops,

I've been working on lengthening my personal list of accomplishments and wanted to share a few notable advancements.

I can now:

Stuff my face with avocado with impressive force and speed. (I mean you try picking up avocados with your drool covered hands. It takes some serious grip!)

Scoot through tunnels at the park.

Slide down part of a slide (ok, with some assistance).

Applaud. (Don't you hate it when your lips get in the way of your enthusiastic claps?!).



I'm glad you can relate to me on that one.

Proudly,
Joshua

Handyman J

Dear Dada,

Ever since I gained the ability to move, albeit my form could use some refining, I have been trying to make myself as troublesome helpful to Mommy as possible. I know she greatly appreciates having me underfoot around to help.

Since I often find myself belly flopping and army crawling racing around my room I decided to tackle all cleaning and repair issues in that vicinity first.

To my great dismay, I regret to inform you that I have already discovered multiple repair issues needing our immediate attention. I attempted to ensure that the dressers and cabinets in the room were in working order today when I realized that none of them are operable.

Strain as I might, they will. not. budge.

You'd think the engineers would have realized the knobs would be way more functional without the cumbersome white, curling decorations they fastened outside!

After several calls to their customer service center yielded no results (do all call centers route you to people who cannot speak English?) I would like you to know that I have volunteered to resolve the issues myself.

Daniel has also graciously offered his expertise. He assures me that he has figured out how to break through many a lock and was quite the young sprout handyman in his day.

Anyhow, I know you're quite busy so I wanted to alleviate your stress by letting you know Daniel and I are tackling this project and hope to make great progress by dinnertime.

Cheers,
Handyman J

One of the 7 Wonders

Dear Dada,

As you are likely well aware there is a short list of modern accomplishments that one can compile neatly into a list of the 7 Wonders of the Toddler Modern World. Included, of course, is chocolate, automatic doors at the grocery store, leaf blowers, lawn mowers, garbage trucks, excavators...

Ok, so technically if one were to list all the machines Daniel finds absolutely, jaw-droppingly astounding the list would likely top 304 but I would be amiss if I were to not mention the all-prodigious....

TREE CUTTER. (That's a technical term).

And today, one miraculously showed up next door to some of its amazing feats a few feet from our admiring faces. (I'm pretty sure the operator has never felt so appreciated and revered in his entire career).

I should note that Mom failed to appreciate the thunderous cacophony the tree cutter emits while pulverizing huge logs and branches. I think it had something to do with it coinciding with nap time but to state that Daniel and I were thrilled with the predicament situation would be an understatement.

All Daniel could say was "that's amazing", repeatedly.


I did my best to wave with my arms and feet simultaneously to show my vote of enthusiastic support. I must admit, at times the loud noises did get to me a bit.

Daniel is convinced this is a top career choice but I'm not completely convinced. I'm still pulling for piano key licker or chocolate spoon taster track personally.

Daniel was able to pull of quite a wonderful series of imitations which, after all, is the highest form of flattery.



In short, I was able to check off one huge item off my bucket list.

Next up, D and I feel we're ready to tackle some dirt biking. Maybe when you come home tonight?

Love,
Joshua

How do ya like them apples?

Dear Dada,

Perhaps it was the allurement of the monet. Ceiling fans are so very expensive I did decide to start my own savings fund in the hopes of securing one for my room. It's difficult to make any purchases really when you are as baroque as I am.

After dabbling in pointillism I was even beginning to feel as though this pursuit was pointless... and then when I went back to the high chair tray drawing board inspiration struck - the best way to easel into this whole art business is to start with what you know and have on hand:

For me that meant food and my high chair.

Ladies and Magenta-men. I present a modern interpretation of mealtime:

1. Persistence of Memory Ritz. (It's the snack that keeps on appearing in shirt creases, short pockets, neck folds, in between double chins...)

2. Metamorphose de Narcissee Raspberry

3. Water-lilies Cups (Still working on biting off that nozzle. Most difficult thing I've tried to eat yet).

3. The Last Supper Peach of the season. (One of the more delicious paintings yet).

 4. Starry Bananas at Night. (Seriously some of the best fast foods out there)

5. Monet Lisa Joshua (My self-portrait).

6. La Grande Jatte Mango Madness (This masterpiece comes with a short tutorial below).

Oh and that picture of me with the bowl of yogurt on my head - I was totally framed on that one. I blame it on Daniel. When I suggested the idea he just yelled "You gough man!". It was art-rageous, I know. I quickly deleted the photographic evidence off of Mom's camera.

Cyan-ara,
Joshua

Those Magical 30 Seconds

Dear Dada,

Daniel and I have it down to a science. We've worked and worked to perfect our game and have really finessed our technique to the point that I thought we should confess boast about it in a letter.

It's called the "magical thirty".

How long do you think it could take us to completely soil a fresh outfit?

Try, thirty seconds.

After asking every two seconds if the balloons are ready in between excited jumps and screams patiently waiting the fifteen minutes it takes to carefully fill a bowl of water balloons how long did it take us today to destroy them all?


Thirty... maybe thirty-one seconds.

That living room that Mommy just cleaned up and even mopped during naps?

Yeah, thirty seconds. Piece of cake.

Same could be said for the time from freshly changed diaper to stinky, freshly bathed clean to muddy again, clean high chair tray to dripping, completely healed knee to skinned, swept kitchen to flour and cheerio crusted...

Finally, how long do you think it took Daniel to morph from an infant to the strapping toddler he is today?

Mommy says, speaking through mysteriously misty eyes, it seems like just thirty seconds.

I'm working on growing up just as fast Daddy. We'll see if you notice my strides when you come home tonight.

Love,
Joshua

Tough Love

Dear Dada,

Today was Monday. You know what that means. The weekend festivities hit you smack on the forehead when the alarm rings, you find yourself in a catch-22 needing coffee before you can operate the coffee maker (thankfully my morning beverage is on automatic brew), and after hitting snooze one too many times you finally bound out of bed like so:

Hence, today's post from the archives. I simply spent all my wit over the weekend.

Thankfully Daniel is going to narrate this clip I am entitling "Tough Love". For those unfamiliar with decoding our usage of the English Language I have provided a transcript below:


D: "He will give you a hug"
M: "Is koala giving you a hug Joshua?"
J: "Yikes! I'm not really sure about this hug proposition. Mom save me; save me!!"
M: "Ok that's enough Daniel"
D: "Wow Joshua."
J: "Wow is right. Be careful with that wild animal!"
D: "That was a hug! Don't cry about it Joshua!"

Man, I never realized how tough a hug from a Koala Bear could be! In retrospect this morning was a breeze compared to that one. I guess you could say tough love is just not really my ideal wake-up method.

Gruffly,
Joshua

Baby Math

Dear Dada, 

I've been doing some figuring about life and wanted to share some important equations I generated:

1. 1>100 and $0.00>$153.20
I may have 100 toys at home but really the free starbucks cup is all I want to play with.

2. Joshua to the (-1) power = Happiness

^(-1) =

3. Sleep schedule prior to adding big bro and I to the family= x.
 Sleep schedule after = x/0.

4. 4 = 90
A four minute nap on the way home from the grocery store = a typical 90 minute nap in my crib.

Daniel and I kind of go 60 to 0 like this:



5. Oh, and If you find yourself a bit rusty on your basic math skills Dada, feel free to call my personal cell.

The number is 530-[(10x)(12y)4]/[cos(c)/2.5x]

Much love,

Joshua