The Perfect Babysitter

Dear Dada,

I know how much you and Mom love to get away for a few hours to go on a "Date". While I don't fully understand why you can't have the same type of conversations at home (are we distractingly loud cute or something?), I thought you would be thrilled to know that Daniel has been practicing and has a big announcement to make. The type of announcement that is going to save you a whole lot of cash:

He's ready to babysit!

Teddy has willingly subjected himself volunteered to participate in the extensive training process necessary to be certified at such a professional level and Daniel has reassured me that he is ready to handle any type of situation that could arise in your absence.

Dirty Diaper? No problem.

Boogers? He's got the nose frieda down like a pro.

Snack time? He can put on bibs and get the baby food and cutlery for us both!

And finally, if we need to go on an outdoor nature walk... he promised he can carry me in the child pack. We're just figuring out the whole... I almost weigh as much as him issue.


You can rest assured that it's completely safe.



Well mostly safe.

So feel free to take some time away soon!

Love,
Joshy

First Item on My Christmas List

Dear Daddy,

I am confident you are well aware of Daniel's obsession with dogs already but I thought with Christmas approaching I would join in the chorus. In reality you are actually pretty much used to life with dogs already thanks to us.

Some naysayers claim that dogs require too much effort to train... but we ALREADY have you trained! Besides accustoming you to cleaning up messes involving various bodily outputs, please see further details below:

1. You already are careful to not leave shoes, important papers and other tasty, once thought inedible important items within our reach.

2. Puppies run at the same break-neck speed as I do! No need for additional traffic signals in the house.

3. You're used to midnight cuddle sessions in your bed. Spit, drool, pee are all free of charge optional.

4. Unconditional love. You know you cannot help but feel loved every morning and evening when we look up into your face with that beaming smile!

5. You know I dream of driving a firetruck someday. So do all dogs.

6. Last, but not least, when you get tired of trying to go on a walk with us... there's always the option to plop us in a stroller!

So do we have a deal?

Great!

**Big droolly kiss**

Joshua

Ode to a Grecian..... Ceiling Fan

Thou still, now, suddenly twirling wonder,

       Thou brain-child of science and imagination,

Dirt crusted flower, who canst thus express

       A layered tale of longed for affection:

What dust-fring'd stories whirl about thy shape

       Of lunch time laughter or midnight snacks, or of both,

               which under thy hovering gaze dist gather?

       What aviator wings are these? What curious screws hold though aloft?

What mad pursuit? How I struggle to follow!

               What fathomless circles? What wild blur!

Heard melodies are sweet, but those barely heard

       Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft whirring blades, play on;

Cover me in white noise, but, more endear'd,

       let me dream of planes and helicopters:

Beneath thy swirl and soft purr, let me regain youthful vigor

       Thy song, through sleep, rejuvenating and sweetening;

               My lips, smiling, opening now in wonder,

In dreams I swirl alongside thee; at last outdoing my brother

       In vigor, movement and sheer cunning; alas

               I awake, still gravity bound but face- 

Once more upward tilt, For I ever wilt thou adore!

Talk like a Sprog Day

Ahoy Captain!

It's me first Talk like a Pirate Day! As a true sprog, and me a landlubber at that, I overhauled me vocabulary for the occasion. Aye, I not be going to let such a thundrous occasion pass me by! I pray ye won't find this post purely bilge.

I attempted to parley to me mateys at nursery with me new dialect by explaining me grammar had gone to Davey Jones Locker. Them being typical landlubbers, commented "blimey" and proceeded to hang the jib. They seemed distracted by the glint of the exersaucers.

After a certain scent seemed to emit from one of me mateys six pounders, me being a tried and true buccaneer, I cried "Avast!".

I smartly glanced to what I assumed to be the poop deck above and one of the hands, a true salt, proceeded to change the poor lass' diaper.

"Shiver me timbers!", me cried.

Unable to properly communicate the real purpose of the poop deck I turned me attention to some booty close at me hand. Soon thereafter I sensed me tiredness and exclaimed "Arrrrr! Arrrr!  Arrrrr! I be needin' t' have a bit of a lie-down'". I hit the high seas od slumber for some time.

Next thing me knows, Jack 'O Cups- my first mate Daniel- came callin' fer to take me home. I yelled "Fair winds" to me mateys and headed out.

I be most eager to resume blethering proper grammar tomorrow and ye may lay to that!

Yo-ho-ho.

Ye lad,
Joshua

Space Issues

Dear Dada,

Today Daniel let me practice my technical management skills while he worked on his gymnastic/wrestling/swimming triathalon training. Just watching him and his friend Elisha work out together for an hour completely wore me out!

After some careful data collection, extensive calculations, and computer modeling I wanted to alert you to several space issues currently hindering Daniel and Elisha's bid for the US Olympic Team (aside from other age-related technicalities).

Firstly they lack proper exercise equipment at their central training hub: Haynam Gym Facilities. They technically have a pool but it provides close quarters when Daniel attempts to wade work on his breaststroke alongside his pal.

(Let's just say there was a reason it was on clearance at Target when the gym owners decided to make their aquatic investment.)

I, for one, find dry land the best for practicing my own swimming strokes -

Side Stroke:

Butterfly relays with my friend Micah:

Anyhow, the biggest space issues arose from Daniel's training attire. Although I was impressed with the volume of pool water (and a cocktail of other liquids) Huggies can contain it simply was no match for Daniel and Elisha's breakdance moves circuit training.

In the end, the boys ended up donning birthday suits in favor of the traditional Olympian attire.

Perhaps I should consider joining Daniel in his future sessions to deal with some additional pudge I seem to have accumulated in the past week or so... birthday suits are quite enticing.

I do hope you'll consider the aforementioned technical problems and consider remedying them. If not out of the athlete's filial love, then for the sake of the US Olympic Team!

Gratefully,
Joshua

My Resume

Dear Dada,

I celebrated my seventh-month birthday yesterday and realized I had better start working on my resume and work experience if I am really going to be able to apply to Harvard's early admission program.

One can never be too precocious ambitious these days. After all, the early bird does get the worm!

I thought UCD might be a great place to start and am wondering if you could pass along my resume?

Best Regards,
Joshua

Faces

Dear Dada,

I know it can be puzzling to attempt to determine what I am trying to communicate at times. I rely heavily on distinct facial expressions to relay thoughts, desires and ideas.

So I thought I would make you a key of the various faces I make to facilitate greater transparency in our dialogue - a type of mood chart for your future reference.

1. Deep Anguish at the thought that Mother may never return to pick me up after waiting two seconds.
2. Focused concentration as I derive a theorem regarding the frog toy's momentum capabilities.
3. Shock and awe at the velocity with which Daniel runs by me.
4. Denial surrounding mysterious fumigation efforts.
5. My "I'm not tired at all" look.
6. Delighting in Daniel performing jumping routines in the grass.
7. Wonder at an overhead airplane.
8. Sharing an inside joke with Daniel.
9. Surprise at the sudden cacophony of a toy accordion performance.
10. Puzzled at the reality that Daniel can run constant sprints up until two minutes before his bedtime.
11. Happiness at the sight of the garbage truck.
12. Envy while wishing I could dig with bulldozers in the dirt too.
13. Displeased at the taste of sweet potatoes.
14. Tacit agreement with Daniel that life would be better if we could live naked outside all day.
15. Admiration of a home-run hit.
16. Joy at a fleeting glimpse of a bluejay.
17. Confident and cool "selfie" pose.
18. Giggling laughter at the hands of Mama-Tickle-Monster.
19. Ravenous hunger due to skipping my third lunch.
20. Sleepily dreaming of lands flowing with milk and honey pureed snickers bars.

I do have one issue I wanted to seek your advice concerning: what face should I make when I am asking how to calculate the surface tension of a bead of water on my sippy cup?

Yours truly,
Joshua

Late Night Parties

Dear Daddy,

I've heard great stories from other babies about the fun times to be had late into the evening. *Ahem* Liya Tauzer *cough* You know the Bring Your Own Bottle kind of party? Except I typically prefer nursing over bottles... I think you still catch my drift.

Typically I have hit the sack crib by 8pm or so but last night I decided,

"What do I have to loose? Let's see if this late night partying lives up to all the hype?!"

Turns out I had a lot to loose.

In my defense, Mom was really the party pooper. She practically fell asleep on the floor while I was doing my best effort to push the buttons on every single toy that played the loud music. It was a cacophonous effort that only I was really fully awake to appreciate. (I've heard loud music is a must at such parties and the blend of Baby Mozart, the Alphabet Song and Lullaby music really did sound like I had hired a modern DJ).

After going to bed in the early hours of the morning I even tried the early morning partying option and found it to be less than riveting. Somehow trying to tear pages out of Mom's Bible while she had her devotions was less fun than usual at 6am...

I was so sleepy when Mom dropped me off at COOP today I could barely smile through bleary eyes and napped most of the two hours while she taught.

Afterwards I tried to keep up with Daniel with happy coos, kicking and blabbering with the one word I can now say -- "MaMa"-- (useful in so many contexts, to mean so many different things (see my post on the English Language) and kept resting my head on said person's shoulder.

Turns out it is way better to sleep at night than during the day when everyone else is having a grand old time.

Lesson learned.

I think I'll hold out for daytime parties from now on. Especially the ones with birthday cake and balloons.

Sleepily,
Joshua

The English Language

Dear Daddy,

I have begun my attempts to comply with the varied and often frustratingly illogical rules of the English Language. Daniel and I concur that this is no easy feat.

It does not help that Mom is an English Major.

While some kids might get away with slipping in the occasional comma splice or dangling modifier, we find our ingeniously new improvisations upon old grammar rules promptly replaced with proper grammar.

I do find myself wavering toward the linguistic camp that would promote rules that describe usage rather than a more prescriptive model. Mom seems to understand Daniel perfectly well when he describes a lovely "flowler" or asks "Joshua eating baby food?". The world would be so much less stressed out if people could just relax the rules a little and say things as the words stream into their mind.

Why for example can we not say, as Daniel is so fond of stating, "What he doed?". This would follow so swimmingly well with the other normal verb past tenses!

Just to clarify I never don't make mistakes myself.

I mean, I am not going to try to never misuse the English language.

*sigh*

Anyhow. In favor of stating things correctly I try to limit myself to single word imperative statements like the following:

(**Those viewing on your phone; for some reason the videos only seem to work from computers - sorry!)

Pretty useful for a first word, don't you think?

All those babies out there who like to read this blog while rehearsing their first words and eating my Mommy is certainly thrilled!

WAIT!

Please insert a comma above!

Concisely,
Joshua

Just Plead the Fifth

Dear Dada,

With a non-stop narration of all the events occurring during our day and a steady vocal rush of the innermost thoughts emanating from my big brother it isn't too surprising that he has started to direct some of his words to me.

I am his BIGGEST fan after all. I save my best smiles for him.

Sometimes his statements have a slight inflection at the end - thus resembling questions.

For example, yesterday he insisted "You like eating grapes Joshu-a?". Despite my long explanation that I hadn't eaten any before in my life and they looked like something Mom would not want me to eat, he proceeded to plop a bunch on my exersaucer. (Yes I'm still working daily on my core strength. I think I've eliminated half of a roll in my midsection but have about 10 to go).

So I decided that in the future it would be wisest to plead the fifth.

A simple head shake is all that's needed.

A few of my Indian friends are helping me perfect the motion but I think I've pretty much got it down. To read more on the communicative device, known as the Indian Head Wobble, click here.

Daniel can take it as a yes or no and I will avoid landing in hot water. Should he suggest theoretically that we go make mudpies and then preserve them in the refrigerator, or wind toilet paper around the dining chairs and spray them with windex or even oil the piano with peanut butter... an amiguous head shake should clear me of any complicity.

Not that I personally have any mischievous plans for the moment I'm mobile.

The other day at the Doctor's office I did get a bit carried away though...

I LOVE CHOCOLATE! I really do! At least I think I do! I know Daniel thinks I do. Maybe that response is what landed me at the Doctor in the first place... to make sure the chocolate sensors in my brain are working properly.

I better be more careful in the future.

Target - A Yelp Review

Dear Dada,

Some people look for deals, keep a tight budget, go to the store in pajamas, and practically live at Walmart.

But I like to shop with people that shower regularly.

And today I put on clothes that actually match. And after considering a red polo... I took it off in favor of my Texas shirt so that no one would think I was the store manager.

In short, we went to Target.

Here's my Yelp review:

Some babies, the sophisticated type with designer diapers and ipotties, call this place "Tarjay". For the rest of us, Target is the place for quick snacks, fascinating sights and toys galore. Note to self, do not wear a milk-stained, hand-me-down onsie. This is the place to pull out your brand-name shirts so as to fit in with the typical clientele. Sunglasses do help with a
chieving this cool-ness level.

Try to find ones that taste good.

If you were up all night trying to spend some quality time with your Mom or Dad and they seem less than appreciative the morning after THIS is the place to go. You get to enjoy all the sights and they can grab a quick cup of joe the moment they find their way through the front doors. Starbucks serves up some amazing juice that seems to perk parents right up and adds a little zing to Mom's milk later too!

Quick side note - yes the store has planted big red balls immediately outside that don't move. I know. That makes no sense to me either.

Today I spent quite some time inspecting the aisle marked "baby food" as I noted they had a sale. In deference to my older brother's advice regarding what food tastes best I vainly scanned the shelves for pureed chocolate cake, ice cream and MMs. Seriously, why does a company that proffers to make food for Happy Baby, Happy Tot and Happy Family not make anything with chocolate? I'm positive Kale is not as endorphin-inciting despite all the attempts my Mom made to persuade me otherwise.

I digress. 

All in all, I'd say Target is THE place to nap. Bigger siblings are sure to not bother you so long as you keep a tight circumference to the toy aisles - the collection of illuminating vehicles, singing disney machines, and all other noise making concoctions that strangely your parent never seems to buy but gladly lets you play with at the store or other people's homes.

I also recommend sending a sibling into the huge closets they have if you need a quick nap - the clothing racks are perfect for endless games of hide and go seek.

 Additionally, should you get hungry I highly prefer the changing rooms for a quick nurse. The lights are absolutely fascinating.

On the way to the register if you have purchased any large or heavy items I highly recommend bringing along a brother or two.

Just don't plan on the package making it to the register still sealed and in one piece. 

All in all I give this place five stars - but I'm still a little dismayed at the lack of chocolate baby options.

Now to look up a homemade snickers puree recipe...

Upsides to Being Sick

Dear Dada,

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough. Between the two of us, Daniel and I have been sickness marathoners, challenging you and Mom to really consider if it is humanly possible to sleep in 10 minute increments at night and then operate on a running total of practically 2-3 hours of sleep. (Hey at least that's hours plural!!) 

Last week we had a nice reprieve and then suddenly I woke up last night wondering if I had been transported to an Austin, Tx apartment without AC, a jalapeno plugged in my mouth as a pacifier, and  a burnt orange wollen blanket swaddled about me.

Turns out that's just what a yucky fever feels like.

I have been contemplating the upsides of this whole situation though and thought you could use some encouragement right about now. As much as I do value being able to intake oxygen normally through my nose and as I do detest the nose frieda... there ARE positives:

1. Daniel actually naps! A fever seems to make him behave like a child with normal levels of energy. It is strangely wonderful at times.

2. I get so much more time to cuddle and bond with you and Mom. (There is just something sort of magical about walking around with you, me serenading you with cries, in the moonlight...)

3. Snotty kisses from Daniel. It really helps out with the whole hair volume  effect. Who needs hair gel?

4. Mommy's lullabies on repeat. I seriously hear her singing even when she's not. It's just plays on permanently inside my mind. Pretty amazing.

But the best upside I have discovered thus far:

5. A Sunday nap with Daddy. 

Seriously, we should do that more often even when I'm not sick!

Love,

Joshua